I wish I'd been doing a better job about keeping you all up-to-date on my home-stay experience.
Overall, it's been very, very positive. They are just the most wonderful, open-minded, big-hearted, funny, kind people. I really do love them. And I think they love me, too. The five-year-old does, anyway--she often signs her letters to me (yes, letters. yes, we live in the same house) "I looooooove you" (in Japanese, of course--though I think she would love me in English, too, if she knew how to write it).
HOWEVER, I have to say that, holy crap, it is difficult moving into another family's house. It would already be difficult in another family's house in, say, my hometown in the States. Imagine all the difference down to the smallest details--things that seem like common sense to Family A are factors that Family B has never even stopped to think about. And unfortunately, on top of it being a different family in a different house, we're also talking about an entirely different culture in a country I had never been to. First off, there are just general practices and habits that tend to proliferate in the country, and a lot of them are different from what I'm used to in the States. And then, we've got all the other expectations and habits that this family in particular holds.
I completely recognize that this relationship is a two-way street. I am sure that the family has had a lot of frustrations I don't know about based on things I do or don't do that they have quietly beared. I completely acknowledge that and am very grateful. I also recognize that these sort of issues I'm having are an expected aspect of this relationship.
But oh man, I am just exhausted. I have natural tendencies to put others' needs before my own, and to want to do things "right." These two shortcomings on my part have combined to seriously disrupt my life in a lot of ways. Because, think about it: this family knows everything about me. They know how long I take in the shower, how often I wash my hair, when I get up, when I go to sleep, how much I eat, what I don't eat, what I wear every day, when I poop, what I do in my spare time, when I'm on my period, how often I wash my clothes, if my clothes have holes in them or other blemishes someone who's not doing my laundry probably wouldn't notice, how often I'm studying or goofing off, how often I exercise, and the list goes on. Another source of tension is that I haven't lived in a family environment where everyone's all up in my business in over eight years. I think I'd have trouble even just moving back into my own house growing up. On top of this, the mom, who takes great pride in keeping the house and everything in it clean and orderly, is far more detail-oriented than I am, and so she notices a lot of things I don't. All of this has led to some difficult and embarrassing conversations (though, one note I'll make here is that they have been incredibly sensitive to me and communicated very directly and calmly, which I realize is an uncommon skill), as well as more and more rules that make me feel more and more constrained and that seem like I'll just never be able to observe.
I want to be able to do it. I want to feel like I'm a member of the family, of equal standing, that I can live like they do. But I have well over two decades' worth of upbringing in a different environment, a different culture, with different rules, values, and expectations, and not only can I not expect myself to fully comply with my host family's style of life, but I also needn't expect that of myself. The fact is that I am not a part of this family to the same degree that the blood relations are. A trap I find myself in is that of my role as an actor and performer; what I love about my work is that I get "to try other people on." However, I've always maintained a boundary--I don't use my acting skills outside of training or work. So I find myself in a predicament where, as a way of coping, I would love to accept this as a challenge to my skill as an actor, and to "become" the role of "member" to this host family. But I owe it to myself to maintain some consistency. And, though I love playing pretend, I need to have some time where I can let my hair done, let my belly hang out, and just be American Morgan.
It's all a huge jumble; I have to meet them halfway and fulfill certain obligations and expectations as they are meeting me halfway and tolerating who knows what of mine. But through respecting, observing, and trying to protect the parameters I'm given, relaxing at home can be very difficult.
Now, think about this for a moment: I'm in an unfamiliar country with which I have no experience, I'm very far from home, I had tenuous connections at best in this country before I came here so my social circle is still quite rudimentary, and I'm prone to stress. I have classes from Monday through Friday, and am normally booked up for the weekend. When I'm home, I need to be able to relax. That has been difficult. I'm always concerned about the state of my room, of my luggage, of how I'm leaving my shoes in the genkan. I am a considerate person by nature, and this element of my personality, in addition to the pitfalls of mine I've mentioned above, are really taxed right now. I've lived with this family for twelve weeks so far, and I still have about five left. That's over a month. I don't want to be counting the days, and I'll be very sad to leave on one level, but I'll also be quite relieved. Particularly because of one other factor I haven't mentioned:
My host mom is a great chef. I love her food, and she makes a great variety of very balanced meals. But they're balanced for a Japanese person. It's not just for my tastes, but for my physical makeup, I need more fruits and vegetables. I've taken to cramming them as much as I can at school, but it's just not enough. I'm not used to eating pretty much any meat, let alone meat more than once in a day. So this, in itself, has resulted in a lot of physical distress, to be honest. That one, I really don't know how to resolve. I can't very well ask my host mom to make a special meal for me all by myself, especially when I'm trying to fit in here.
So, I suppose I'm writing this to give you an honest account of what living with a host family can be like. It is such a rewarding experience on the whole. From a "learning opportunity" standpoint, I've learned a lot about how Japanese families function, how they interact with other people, how households function differently from the States', and I've also learned a lot of Osaka-ben. I've also met some of the most wonderful people and been very lucky to be treated to all the opportunities they've provided. But it is an immense commitment. You really do have to be flexible, respectful, and cognizant of your own behavior.
I would love to hear your feedback and your host family stories, as well! See you in the comments!
Morgan
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